The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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