Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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