well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
