He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
