Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
