I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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