I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
