my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Houston, we have a blender
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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