Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
