My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
