mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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