You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
