When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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