My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
