My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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