I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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