I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
