Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize