Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
