I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize