Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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