So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
