Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
