well I can't set my house on fire every night
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize