A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
