Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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