Cold hands, warm shart.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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