Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Who died my cat blue again?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
