I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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