is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
