we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
