I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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