Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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