My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
