Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
this hospital has no fireball
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
