Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
