I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize