I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
