I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize