Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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