you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize