ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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