My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
