It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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