So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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