I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
