Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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