When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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