Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
