I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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