I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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