LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Randomize
