the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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