Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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