I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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