just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dicks are not precious.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize