wanna go halves on a baby?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
