I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
