i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I need to calm my uterus...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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