I am midnight drunk by noon
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
His hands were made for my vagina.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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