Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
