If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
