Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
