And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
