mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize