if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
